I start our journey in the church not because I spend every Sunday there, nor because most of my family and friends go here. I start here because it was where I met Apathy.
One moment, I had joy—things were good in my life, and if they weren’t, then I trusted in the Almighty God. My God.
Then Sundays blended into the other days of the week. And each Sunday, as I sat in those red-cushioned oak pews, my life took on a grey perspective. Things weren’t black or white, bad or good, dark or light.
They just . . . were. Existing. Nothing more.
Apathy walked up to me one dull Sunday and nudged the hand that rested on my knee. I petted him, and he turned up to lick my hand—the beginning of our acquaintance, although we had already been acquainted months before this public acknowledgement.
So here I went, falling into a downward spiral. It sucked the joy out of my life. The self-esteem. The purpose.
My meaning became nothing but getting up on each Sunday morning, driving to church, sitting inattentively through Sunday School and church service, driving home, and moping around the rest of the day, awaiting the chaos and doom of the week ahead.
It is not the church’s fault that I met Apathy.
It is mine.
Because instead of crying out to the God I once loved—the God I still love—I did nothing. I thought that it was just a phase. I thought I could lift myself out of that miserable hole of complacency.
And I never will.
You see, Apathy never aided me in getting out of that hole six feet under. He simply sat and panted, as if he was exerting too much effort sitting there and watching me struggle.
I had the dirt of sin all over me. I needed a rescue, a cleaning, a salvation.
But in that hole I stayed, with Apathy by my side.
And that hole would only grow deeper when the grey mist seeped into other aspects of my life.
And I would only get dirtier and more frantic . . . yet still remain depressingly apathetic.
Because when you’re casually sitting in a deep hole, what else are you supposed to do but give in to the melancholy spirit overwhelming your body and soul?